Sober Skaters

OxGxBxFxL

Hello, My names Ryan and I am an alcoholic. I also am a 100% punk rock skateboarder and that saved my life.
If you are reading this you might be as well. I dont know your story but chances are it is not much different than mine. You are here because you are looking for help, support, answers, whatever it may be, you are here. No judgment will be passed. I have been there, done that, and I have the scars to show for it. The only thing you must do is be honest and have the desire to be in a better place. It is not easy and at times it hurts like hell but that pain is the pain of being alive, the polar opposite of the booze, pills, whatever you numbed out to. Life is pain but life also is joy and happiness. You may feel beat down and worthless... I have been at that place, I had people who talked to me and held my hand in some dark ugly fucking days, I want to be that person, I want to help. You may think you have lost it all but by being here you have found a group who share your pain and struggle. It will get better, you just have to take the step, make the decision, and WANT to change. We all have a story and here is a bit of mine.

October 16, 2005 I looked in the mirror and the man I saw I did not like one bit. I hated him, I hated me. My left knee was locked up and the pain was fucking intense, the pinky finger on my right hand was all fucked up and swollen, I had alterneting bouts of chills and sweats, my heartbeat was erratic, I had the shakes, my moods raged from depression to anger to rage to isolation. I crashed. Earlier that day I arrived home from a Vegas trip that was supposed to be fun, sin city with my best friend. The reality was it damn near was the curtain call for me. I had a Vegas meltdown.
At the time I was awaiting trial on my 2nd D.U.I., was dealing with the fact that I sabatoged a very healthy and positive relationship due to my inability to control my drinking, and the guilt of the savage beating I layed on my brother, yes when I was drunk. 18 floors up in my hotel I sat and reflected on me and who I saw myself as. The person I was I felt to be a shit human being, a hypocrite, a liar, a user, a deadbeat, an asshole, I hurt people who tried to love me and embraced people who wanted to hurt me. As a son I felt to be a disgrace, as a brother I was a bum, as a friend I lacked integrity. The things that I loathe I became. 18 stories up I looked down. Below me was the concrete of Las Vegas, how fitting, a sin city suicide. Thoughts so vile and evil raced through my head. The desire to continue was gone, I had no more fight in me, I for the first time was defeated, all things that make a man a creature to be respected were gone, I was a hollow man. "Turn around, walk away, fight one last time!" I heard that in my head. At that time I did not care one bit about me but the last shred of a decent man did not want to put my friends and family through the pain of a funeral. I walked away for them, I felt nothing for me, but I still thought of them. The person I was died that day. Also that is my last memory of drinking and thats the way I want to keep it.

I do not want to sound preechy but no matter how low you are and what you have done someone out there digs you and wants to see you get better. I found that out time and time again, After I admitted to myself I had an addiction and was helpless I felt liberated. That day I cried. I cried long and hard the aspect of the battle changed, I now had a clear cut enemy and could formulate a plan of attack. With this knowledge in hand I went back to the one place I ever was happy, the one place I ever felt accepted, where I belong. I looked to the skateboarding community... no family for help. And help I got. The support and advice I found humbled me, to this day I get very emotional thinking of the generous outpouring I got from this group. I posted and still continue to post on the bds board, great people, people who care and who have been where I was and where I am. That is where I got hooked up with sober skaters.

Sober skaters is people who have the same demons to battle, the choice every morning to stay sober one more day. Yet we have a commen bond, the fact we have the desire to stay sober to live a better life and to skate. My life went to shit and my skate was always right here waiting for me to come home. Well now I am home. I am a bunck bulkier now, not the wirey little squid I was in my salad days but the heart and the burning passion is still in my heart.

I am here to welcome you, I am here to help you, I am here to pick you up when you fall, I am here to jump your shit and tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear, I am here to listen, I am here to be your friend. My name is Ryan and I am an alcoholic.... I am also 100% punk fucking rock skateboarder until you pat me in my face with a shovel when my cranky tattooed ass is dead for life! Welcome pal... I wanna help and shit does get better YOU JUST HAVE TO WANT IT TO...

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Thanks Ryan... This is a powerful life story of the one skaters escape from addiction. I asked Ryan to post it so someone who is still struggling with an addiction or new to recovery might benefit from it, and see there is hope and a way out the pit of addiction.

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

Thanks for sharing that Ryan,
Many of could not look at the face in the mirror without shuddering and turning away. I have a friend that used to put tape on the mirror at eye level so he could shave with out having to look into his eyes.
You are most welcome here and you are amongst your brothers

OxGxBxFxL

Its good to be here amongst brothers and I am eager to help and contribute any way I can