Sober Skaters

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge
to flip off other drivers..

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked
now? "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share
their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

Try this one http://panexa.com/

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her bulldog and her tom cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the tom cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn?t move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn?t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

Why do they let big titted girls work at Hooters, but they won't let one legged girls work at i-Hop?

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor
told them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife
is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon ... is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not
manage to abstain from sex for the required month ."
the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult ... however, we
managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second
week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we
managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold
showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything
to keep our minds off sex.

Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I
was overcome with lust and had my way with her right
then and there." admitted the man shame facially.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in
our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Home Depot any more either.

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it

I used to have a handle on life - but mine broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I am not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

Ever stop to think? and forget to start again?

It IS as bad as you think, they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

They call it PMS because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

The trouble with life is...there's no background music.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson

Computer programmers don't byte, they just nibble a bit.

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat....

The meek shall inherit the earth ... after we're through with it...

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Some people are alive, only because it's illegal to kill them.

Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software.

Consciousness - that annoying time between naps...

...and finally...

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette..

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood
pressure or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real
reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting the Al
Qaeda.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state
government.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. (not me, I'm retired.....that leaves only you)

And there you are sitting on your a!*, at your computer, reading jokes.

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you
marry me?" The girl
said,"NO!" And the guy lived happily ever
after and went fishing and
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer
and left the toilet seat up and farted
whenever he wanted.

THE END

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

Seen on People's Bumpers:

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

here's something to make you think...

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion," casually,
think about whether you want the politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one
of its releases.

a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.

e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the
rate our government spends it.

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

Welfare Applications
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Roger "Doc". Cool

Trash · Rootness

I'm starting to wonder if a few of those jokes should split to the barraks...but they're too funny to break the thread. Twisted Evil