| Archive for Sober Skaters A message board for sober skateboarders and those in recovery |
| soberskater |
Jokes, add yours here!NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEND A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now? " BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him Roger "Doc". 
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| UncleMike |
Try this one http://panexa.com/ | ||||
| soberskater |
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her bulldog and her tom cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the tom cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn?t move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn?t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" |
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| UncleMike |
Why do they let big titted girls work at Hooters, but they won't let one legged girls work at i-Hop? | ||||
| UncleMike |
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor
told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon ... is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month ." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult ... however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off sex. Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man shame facially. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot any more either. |
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| UncleMike |
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it
I used to have a handle on life - but mine broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. I am not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Out of my mind, back in five minutes. Ever stop to think? and forget to start again? It IS as bad as you think, they ARE out to get you. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. They call it PMS because Mad Cow disease was already taken. The trouble with life is...there's no background music. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ! Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson Computer programmers don't byte, they just nibble a bit. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat.... The meek shall inherit the earth ... after we're through with it... Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Some people are alive, only because it's illegal to kill them. Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software. Consciousness - that annoying time between naps... ...and finally... The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.. |
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| UncleMike |
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood pressure or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting the Al Qaeda. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state government. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. (not me, I'm retired.....that leaves only you) And there you are sitting on your a!*, at your computer, reading jokes. |
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| UncleMike |
World's Shortest Fairytale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,"NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END |
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| UncleMike |
Seen on People's Bumpers:
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Adults are just kids who owe money. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. You! Off my planet! Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that? |
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| UncleMike |
here's something to make you think...
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion," casually, think about whether you want the politician spending your tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases. a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth. e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government spends it. |
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| UncleMike |
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass." |
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| UncleMike |
Welfare Applications
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. |
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| soberskater |
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Roger "Doc".
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| Trash |
I'm starting to wonder if a few of those jokes should split to the barraks...but they're too funny to break the thread. 
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| soberskater |
 Nah, leave em' trash, remeber this is a skateboarder site! And I've heard some pretty racey jokes in recovery meetings... This isn't the 700 Club! 
Roger "Doc".
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| Trash |
true there isnt any major uncensored swearing and there's no nudity...any of THOSE would belong in the barraks with a 35% warning on them
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| soberskater |
A man and his go for couples counseling. The therapist listens to the wife bicker and nag for an hour. Then, the therapist gets up, goes over the wife and gives a long deep kiss. The wife is speechless and the husband is very impressed. The therapist tells the husband that he has to do that twice a week. Husband replies "great, I'll have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays
Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted. Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
And you thought blondes were dumb...A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde,who's tired,just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.After an hour,he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00,and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb! Roger "Doc".
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| SaintKaren |
Sad announcement ...
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community... The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects , including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but later his life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes. ************* Found this on another board. 
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| soberskater |
The Superbowl Joke...A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral." Roger "Doc". |
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| soberskater |
The Nun at Hooters, Busted!Nun At Hooters:> A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local >Hooters. >The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in >a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, >the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the >nun, the room went dead silent. > >She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the >restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there >is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." >"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the >bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she >proceeded to the restroom. >After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just >long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. >She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did >they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" > "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you >like a drink?" > "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. > "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the >statue is lifted up, the lights go out, Now, how about that drink?" Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
And yet another true story...
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "TheDouble Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just lost it." CASE DISMISSED Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
30 Lines To Make You Smile
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19.. Procrastinate Now! 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal! Arts; D o You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken. 25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on. |
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| UncleMike |
Poe on drugs?Suppose Poe had used a computer...(Author unknown) Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?" With my fingers pale and trembling Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" I tried to catch the chips off-guard -- I pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes. What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" |
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| UncleMike |
how many ... does it take to change a lite bulb?Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part. Q: How many Alchemists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Into what? Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them. Q: How many Art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do that". Q: How many Bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight. Q: How many Baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic rock. Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb? A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard. Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. A: 2. One to screw it in and one to screw it up. Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites. Q: How many Chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road. Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really one. Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out. Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to design the web page about doing it. Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. A: Two: one to deny that it's gone out, and one to say that it's burning more brightly than under any previous Labour government. A: Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better. Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many Dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side. A: Potato. Q: How many Data base people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many Designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb? Q: How many Disgruntled former postal workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out of the socket and the other to hide under a desk with the new bulb. Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later. A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind. Q: How many Enterprise crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process. A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends. Q: how many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, hippies screw in VW microbuses. Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Who cares, we're all gonna die anyway. |
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| soberskater |
 If you need help to stop smoking weed, try this...
http://www.californiabearing.com/ODweeds.wmv Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
I love that one!!! | ||||
| soberskater |
Homeland Security (?) and net spying...Homeland Security Bill passesJust wanted to let you know the New Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below: Homeland Security http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
The eyes have it. | ||||
| Trash |
i have a set of those for my linux machine but they sit in the taskbar instead of following it around the screen 
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| soberskater |
National Mental Health Day!Today Is National Mental Health day!You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend. Well... my bit's done! Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
The Faithful Wife. . .
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to moves lightly, "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work" . . . Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
Hormone Hostaages...Any 'Hormone Hostage' knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every man!! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: What did I do wrong? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
Oops! **True story from the Jacksonville Police Department.***
**A man goes to a party and has much too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. *** **About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back. They hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. ** **The guy waits and waits, but finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. ** **Two hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if her husband is there. His wife says yes, but that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. The police produce his driver's license. Then they ask to see his car. She wants to know why but they insist so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There, sitting in the garage, is the police car, with all the lights still flashing.*** **A true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting*** 
Roger "Doc".
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| SaintKaren |
*regarding the hormone hostage joke*
Yah, twenty plus years of training finally paid off.
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| soberskater |
Hoofarted?Check this one out, Ew De' Pew!http://www.toilette-humor.com/flash/brocolli.swf Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
A little old man shuffled slowly into the Orange Dipper, an ice
cream parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
Roger "Doc".
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| Trash |
ROFL!!! | ||||
| soberskater |
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor at Health Care
America to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’” Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
Math Teacher Arrested
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God hadwanted usto have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingersand toes". Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
School Notes:
I have some misgivings about these individuals being from Tennessee. They appear to me to be some of the people I deal with. NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district... (Spellings have been left intact.) 1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM. 2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT. 3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33. 4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING. 5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP. 6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE. 7-- CARLOS WAS ABSEN YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART. 8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS. 9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE. 10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT]. (Love it!  )
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK. 13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST. 14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit! }
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSEI DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR. 16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY. 17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL. 18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!} 19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL. 20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS. 21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER. 22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR. 23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS. Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Go to drive thru for delicious coffee. 2) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 3 ) Drink your coffee. 4 ) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $ 20.00 Coffee $ 3.00 Total $ 23.00 ================================================== ======== Oil Change instructions for Men: 1)Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 1 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in ; drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug ; and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 3 Beer.
39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 4 Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total - - $4,165.00 But you know the job was done right! Roger "Doc".
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| Trash |
I guess that is what you get for drinking huh? | ||||
| soberskater |
Ex Wife
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant. The husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table. Finally the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" Roger "Doc".
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| SaintKaren |
*the oil change joke*
Need I reply? *eye brow raised*
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| soberskater |
No reply needed, a lot of people know I've had a couple of those types of oil changes in my day... But, I'm sober today and that's what counts...
Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
M.D Ha Ha's
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX ***************** At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA ************************ One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada ****************** I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA ******************** During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA ******************* While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. "Why, not for about twenty years -when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR ****************** I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI ***************** A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." ******************** and finally... A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't admit his name |
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| UncleMike |
What is Meant by "Marketing"?People often ask what is meant by Marketing. Perhaps the following analogieswill help clear it up : You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say," Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." that's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome man. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," And reach up to straighten his tie brushing your *** lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You talk her into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy her so he calls you. That's Technical Service. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be gorgeous women in all the houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated in the middle and shout at the top of your voice, "I'm fantastic in bed!". That's Spam. If you hear about women like this but never meet one. That's False Advertising. |
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| Trash |
That post is fantastic (in bed)! | ||||
| UncleMike |
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The
only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should . well ... you know ... screw her?" "Out of WHAT?" asked the other. |
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| soberskater |
More a do about lawyers...Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't> prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting > attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to > the stand. > > He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" > > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you > since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big > disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate > people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big > shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to > anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." > > The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across > the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" > > She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he > was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking > problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law > practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he > cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your > wife. Yes, I know him." > > The defense attorney almost died. The judge then asked both counselors > to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of > you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt!!!! Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" Don't mess with Old People Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
 UncleMike
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| Trash |
Please mike...how old can you seriously be? |
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| soberskater |
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning
by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out! into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
no sexsince 1955!!A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decoration! ns and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." |
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| UncleMike |
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (never) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. &nbs! p;Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.< FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black> Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. |
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| UncleMike |
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer the garment, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday. |
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| soberskater |
While interviewing an anonymous Marine scout on his sniper skills, a
Reuters News agent asked him what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
THE CANDYWRAPPER:
It was another Payday, and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, when I whipped out my Whopper and whipsered, "hey Sweetheart, how's you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots! It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat, and she started to scream,"Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff!" I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesavor. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit "O" Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good "N" Plenty, when all of the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky, and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped......Baby Ruth!!! Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
sweet! | ||||
| soberskater |
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle, if that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. Bitch... Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. " Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house". Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
An 80 year old woman is in a long term care facility and has been in a vegetative state for years. One day when the nurse is bathing her, the nurse notices activity on the EEG, (brain activity) when the washcloth gets to the nether regions. (so to speak)
She reports this to the doctor, who goes to the woman's 80 year old husband. The doctor recommends that the man go in and perform oral sex on the woman to see if they can stimulate more brain waves. The man goes into his wife's room, but comes back out shortly to say they need help. It seems that she has died. The doctor inquired what had happened, and the husband said that it all fine, but he was afraid he may have suffocated her. Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
BARBER SHOPA guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop,laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house." |
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| soberskater |
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing! . She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it betweenher knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: #1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. #2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. #3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. #4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. #5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his! mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t. Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
BROKE BACK DEPUTY
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing --hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long." Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
lol
PS I like your new sig and avatar UncleMike |
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| soberskater |
Thanks Mike, good to see ya!!!
Roger "Doc".
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| soberskater |
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly
lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said. Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working. Roger "Doc".
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| UncleMike |
    
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