Sober Skaters

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

The eyes have it.

Trash · Rootness

i have a set of those for my linux machine but they sit in the taskbar instead of following it around the screen Very Happy

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Today Is National Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.

Well... my bit's done!

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

The Faithful Wife. . .

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to moves lightly, "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work" . . .

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Any 'Hormone Hostage' knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every man!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

**True story from the Jacksonville Police Department.***

**A man goes to a party and has much too much to drink. His friends
plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only
lives a mile away. ***

**About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for
weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as
he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking
place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal
to stay put, they will be right back. They hop a fence and run down
the street to the robbery. **

**The guy waits and waits, but finally decides to drive home. When
he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell
anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has
been in bed all day. **

**Two hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if her
husband is there. His wife says yes, but that he has the flu and has
been in bed all day. The police produce his driver's license. Then
they ask to see his car. She wants to know why but they insist so
she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There, sitting in
the garage, is the police car, with all the lights still flashing.***

**A true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting*** Confused

Roger "Doc". Cool

SaintKaren

*regarding the hormone hostage joke*

Yah, twenty plus years of training finally paid off. Laughing

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Check this one out, Ew De' Pew!

http://www.toilette-humor.com/flash/brocolli.swf

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

A little old man shuffled slowly into the Orange Dipper, an ice
cream parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress
asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No,” he replied, “arthritis.” Laughing

Roger "Doc". Cool

Trash · Rootness

ROFL!!!

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor at Health Care
America to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re
really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart
murmur. Be careful.’”

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Math Teacher Arrested

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God
hadwanted usto have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingersand toes".

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

School Notes:

I have some misgivings about these individuals being from Tennessee. They
appear to me to be some of the people I deal with.

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school
district...
(Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE
TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD
HER SHOT.

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28,
29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE
FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF
HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSEN YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING
FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN
BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE
VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD
(DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s
WERE CROSSED OUT]. (Love it! Smile

)

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD
DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.
{You know, this could be legit! Wink

}

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING BECAUSEI DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE
FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND
IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO
ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED.
SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A
COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN
BED WITH GRAMPS.

21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A
FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS
ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE
FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT
AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER
EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR
OUR KIDS.

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Go to drive thru for delicious coffee.
2) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
3 ) Drink your coffee.
4 ) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $ 20.00
Coffee $ 3.00
Total $ 23.00
================================================== ========

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1)Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Cool

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from
holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental
penalties.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

1 Cool

Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in ; drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

2 Cool

Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug ; and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

3 Cool

Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

4 Cool

Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Roger "Doc". Cool

Trash · Rootness

I guess that is what you get for drinking huh?