Sober Skaters

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Ex Wife

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant. The
husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she
sits alone at a nearby table. Finally the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right
after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

Roger "Doc". Cool

SaintKaren

*the oil change joke*

Need I reply? *eye brow raised* Laughing

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

No reply needed, a lot of people know I've had a couple of those types of oil changes in my day... Shocked

But, I'm sober today and that's what counts... Wink

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

M.D Ha Ha's

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her

baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the

lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that

there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

*****************

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly

and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I

instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

************************

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that

her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five

minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had

died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

******************

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity

test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover

your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your

left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.

He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered

that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both

his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

********************

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me

to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to

put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't

see Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions

include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

*******************

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How

long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she

answered. "Why, not for about twenty years -when my husband was

alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

******************

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this

morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to

get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly

and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

*****************

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with

purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of

tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined

that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate

surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff

noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a

tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the

surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry,

had to mow the lawn."

********************

and finally...

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed

performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had

unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon

whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further

embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm

sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were

whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't admit his name

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

People often ask what is meant by Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies
will help clear it up :

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in
bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say," Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." that's
Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome man. You get up and straighten your
dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," And reach
up to straighten his tie brushing your *** lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I
hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You talk her into going home with
your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy her so he calls you. That's Technical Service.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be gorgeous
women in all the houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated in the middle and shout at the top of your voice, "I'm fantastic in
bed!". That's Spam.

If you hear about women like this but never meet one. That's False Advertising.

Trash · Rootness

That post is fantastic (in bed)!

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The
only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their
only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if
he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my
eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up
to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked,
unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and
discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island
for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ...
do you think we should . well ... you know ... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
> prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting
> attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to
> the stand.
>
> He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
>
> She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you
> since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
> disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
> people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
> shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
> anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
>
> The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across
> the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
>
> She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
> was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
> problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
> practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
> cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
> wife. Yes, I know him."
>
> The defense attorney almost died. The judge then asked both
counselors
> to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of
> you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt!!!!

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his
side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special
ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through
his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it
to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I
want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler
went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's
a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young
lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old
man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the
weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

Trash · Rootness

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning
by a loud

pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger,
standing

in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the
morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember,

about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped

us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out! into
the

pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decoration! ns and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (never) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. &nbs! p;Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.< FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=black>

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price, the more sheer the garment, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the
lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it
on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for
myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd
at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday.