Sober Skaters

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

While interviewing an anonymous Marine scout on his sniper skills, a
Reuters News agent asked him what he felt when shooting members of Al
Qaeda in Afghanistan.

The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil." Twisted Evil

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

THE CANDYWRAPPER:

It was another Payday, and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey

standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of

Clark and Fifth Avenue, when I whipped out my Whopper and whipsered, "hey

Sweetheart, how's you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar

Bar?" Well, she immediately went

down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I

couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that

this little Twix had the Red Hots! It was all I could do to hold the Snicker

and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat, and she

started to scream,"Oh

Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut and I knew

it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a

taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff!"

I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesavor.

Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit

and slip it up your Bit "O" Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was,

too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the

Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her

Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good "N" Plenty, when all of

the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow

Chunky, and

complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out

popped......Baby Ruth!!!

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

sweet!

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant
on some machine and fluids from a bottle, if that ever happens,
just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
" Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got
nice house".

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

An 80 year old woman is in a long term care facility and has been in a vegetative state for years. One day when the nurse is bathing her, the nurse notices activity on the EEG, (brain activity) when the washcloth gets to the nether regions. (so to speak)

She reports this to the doctor, who goes to the woman's 80 year old husband. The doctor recommends that the man go in and perform oral sex on the woman to see if they can stimulate more brain waves.

The man goes into his wife's room, but comes back out shortly to say they need help. It seems that she has died. The doctor inquired what had happened, and the husband said that it all fine, but he was afraid he may have suffocated her.

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop,laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:Well, doc, it's
like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing! . She tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it betweenher knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.

#4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his! mother
sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

BROKE BACK DEPUTY

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing --hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator

lol
PS I like your new sig and avatar
UncleMike

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

Thanks Mike, good to see ya!!! Wink

Roger "Doc". Cool

soberskater · Head Ex-Lush In Charge

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly
lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke
as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a
big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the
tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and
throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are
always working.

Roger "Doc". Cool

UncleMike · Professional Advisor Forum Moderator